Mushy Monday

So I'm not sure if my last post made any sense, my mom said she didn't really understand what I meant, and I did have to leave the computer halfway through and Kyle is constantly teasing me about how my thoughts don't always flow in a way that makes sense to others, no matter how much sense it makes to me! :)

This Tuesday I will be 30 weeks pregnant! I can't believe it, it's pretty much insane how fast this pregnancy has gone by and a little scary. I got nervous at the end of my pregnancy with Tommy feeling like I wasn't ready and I'm starting to feel that way with this little one. Oh well I have no control over it so I just have to get over it.

Tommy is still recovering really well. He is doing all things the same, some thing even better, like taking steps! That's my baby! And he is finally starting to want to play a little rougher; before surgery he loved to play rough and obviously we've been avoiding rough housing but one time I tried to gently play rough and he wasn't having it and now he's trying to initiate it.

On a not so fun note he is sleeping horribly at night. Last night I had a mini-break down b/c I was just so exhausted from the past several weeks of inconsistent sleep for him. The Lord has made me, like many moms I know, where I am able to happily function on less sleep when I need to; however, when that is prolonged over several weeks, I don't do well with it.  I also think that Tommy now has some acid reflux stuff going on and that could be related to the sleep issues, but I'm calling his doctor tomorrow to see what I can give him for it. He started having "juicy" (eeeewwww I know that sounds disgusting) burps a few weeks before surgery and they seem to have progressively gotten worse and even lead to spit up, and he only eats solid food and was not a big spitter upper when he was younger. I don't even know if you would still refer to that as spit up or as a mini-throw-up. Either way it's nasty and I'm sure he isn't enjoying it. And this baby mama over here is having some major heart burn but thankfully Zantac helps tremendously. It just came out of no where a couple of weeks ago.

But amidst all of the trying things recently - a fussier boy, a sleepy boy & mama, acid reflux, teething, etc. we have had some very sweet times.  Tommy is just so stinking adorable and he truly does still melt my heart. Not in the exact moments of whining and needing to be disciplined, but through out the day there are always moments that I look at him and I am so thankful God entrusted him to us. I truly love him for who he is. I love his precious personality and sense of humor. This kid is funny, he will make you laugh just by laughing. He is getting so strong and taking steps so well. Most of all I have recently been amazed at just how smart he already is. I knew hardly anything about Down Syndrome before we had Tommy, I had encountered a few people through out my life who had it but didn't know them all that well, so all of this is learn as you go. And I told Kyle the other day that Tommy already knows and understands more than what I thought he would. I bet it's like that with the vast majority of people with DS it's just a matter of the environment you know them in and how well they can communicate what they know. We find ourselved laughing and amazed at his reaction to knowing things when we don't even remotely expect it. This is just a very small one but today we were at a store and I picked up a random thing of bubbles to see if I should get them (Tommy LOVES bubbles) and Tommy just said, "Bub, bub" which is what he says for bubbles at home. I was so proud of him b/c they didn't even look like typical bubbles but he knew exactly what they were. And he was watching his little Signing Time dvd later (he LOVES the first few dvds, not a fan of the newer ones though) and they were teaching the sign for "full" and they had an animation of a table with all the food eaten and Tommy just kept signing "all done" to the TV! Haha! He is too cute!

We took Tommy back to church for the first time today and kept him in the service with us. I was fully anticipating having to leave and go with him to the nursery to play b/c I never thought he would sit quietly through the service. Yeah that's right, my baby sat through a whole church service and was so so so good! It may have just been a one time thing but hey I'll take it! We just have another week or two before he can be picked up under his arms again and then he will return to the nursery to play with his friends.

Oh and in case you didn't realize it my baby, will be two years old in less than a month! Oh my! It blows my mind, I feel like we just had his first birthday party! We love our sweet boy and he brings so much joy and meaning to our life!



Mushy Monday, what up?!

So it's been a while since my last Mushy Monday post but I've been pretty dang busy! Tommy had his heart surgery Feb. 22nd and is doing UH-Mazing! Praise the Lord. So obviously that's what my post is about today. I am so so so so times a bajillion thankful that his surgery is over and behind us and that he is recovering so well! The doctors basically said patients don't do any better than what Tommy has done. Such a blessing. But to be honest I have a confession amongst this. While I am beyond thankful for how well Tommy has done and is doing I have seen the very sinful and prideful side of my heart that I do not like.

I have learned so much about "feelings" this year and I've mentioned it many times in posts. I have sinful and wrong feelings. And post surgery is no different. I have felt confused by the idea of why God chooses to allow some kids to recover and to recover so wonderfully from heart surgery, while other sweet children are taken from their parents, even when it is into His glory. And on the flip side I have felt very entitled that the Lord should have allowed this to go so smoothly, b/c after all He could have fixed it, or made Tommy without that heart problem to begin with. The confusing feeling I know is answered by the fact that God's will is not ours, and His is perfect, and it is beyond gracious that those precious children are in His glory. The big struggle for me has been my feeling of entitlement. While I know God did not have to allow Tommy to do so well, I feel like He should, after all it's the least He can do right?! Wrong. I don't deserve it, Kyle doesn't deserve it, Tommy doesn't deserve it. We're sinful, we're no better than the other families that don't experience such easy recoveries. While that's the truth, that's not the way I have felt. And during church today I realized something, I apparently have been angry with the Lord, even though I didn't "feel" like it. I just felt unhappy with His decision, but my reaction of entitled grace revealed to me that I was mad. I have prayed and repented of this many times b/c I know that it's wrong and I felt like the Lord began to help me understand it better today. I was thinking about my relationship with Kyle. Kyle cares for me so well, especially in times of need or when I'm hurting or scared. He jokes around a lot and teases me but in serious times when I need him to be there for me, he always, always is! And that is something that I have come to expect of him but it's also something I appreciate from him, so much that I just cried typing that b/c I love and cherish and need that from him and he provides it. Well I was thinking about how I was expecting God to allow Tommy to do well and that part I don't think was wrong, I know God's character, we too have a relationship where He is there when I need Him (which is always). I was comparing my relationship with Kyle to my relationship with the Lord. But then I thought when it came to God, I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of appreciation once it was over and Tommy was doing well. And that's how I realized I was mad. It's kind of like a situation where if Kyle was the one to make me mad to where I needed comfort, I don't feel so grateful for that comfort, I feel like I deserve it, b/c after all whatever happened was his fault anyway - so now he needs to care for me. Sounds bratty but hopefully you catch my drift. Well apparently that's how I was looking at this situation with the Lord - You should bless my son and allow him to recover after all it is Your fault it happened to begin with. Feel free to judge me at this point. I was being a brat and I was 100% wrong and I confessed that to the Lord before I completely understood it and again after I've come to a better understanding. God is so good and His will is perfect and far better than what I could choose. And obviously He is using these experiences as a mother to grow and change me and make me more aware of my sin.

Overall Tommy's surgery was much easier to handle than we expected, even from the emotional side, and we attribute that to God's grace and to the many sweet family and friends who prayed for us and our sweet boy during that time. Thank you all so much! I have started a very detailed blog about his actual surgery but in all honesty most people probably won't want to read it b/c it's pretty lengthy and I only go to the part when the surgery was completed. But maybe some day I'll finish it and post it up here, it already seems like such a distant memory, and for that I am grateful! Not picking Tommy up under his arms has been easier than expected, not always convenient, but it's becoming a new temporary normal. Hope you all have a very mushy monday!