So it's been a while since my last Mushy Monday post but I've been pretty dang busy! Tommy had his heart surgery Feb. 22nd and is doing UH-Mazing! Praise the Lord. So obviously that's what my post is about today. I am so so so so times a bajillion thankful that his surgery is over and behind us and that he is recovering so well! The doctors basically said patients don't do any better than what Tommy has done. Such a blessing. But to be honest I have a confession amongst this. While I am beyond thankful for how well Tommy has done and is doing I have seen the very sinful and prideful side of my heart that I do not like.
I have learned so much about "feelings" this year and I've mentioned it many times in posts. I have sinful and wrong feelings. And post surgery is no different. I have felt confused by the idea of why God chooses to allow some kids to recover and to recover so wonderfully from heart surgery, while other sweet children are taken from their parents, even when it is into His glory. And on the flip side I have felt very entitled that the Lord should have allowed this to go so smoothly, b/c after all He could have fixed it, or made Tommy without that heart problem to begin with. The confusing feeling I know is answered by the fact that God's will is not ours, and His is perfect, and it is beyond gracious that those precious children are in His glory. The big struggle for me has been my feeling of entitlement. While I know God did not have to allow Tommy to do so well, I feel like He should, after all it's the least He can do right?! Wrong. I don't deserve it, Kyle doesn't deserve it, Tommy doesn't deserve it. We're sinful, we're no better than the other families that don't experience such easy recoveries. While that's the truth, that's not the way I have felt. And during church today I realized something, I apparently have been angry with the Lord, even though I didn't "feel" like it. I just felt unhappy with His decision, but my reaction of entitled grace revealed to me that I was mad. I have prayed and repented of this many times b/c I know that it's wrong and I felt like the Lord began to help me understand it better today. I was thinking about my relationship with Kyle. Kyle cares for me so well, especially in times of need or when I'm hurting or scared. He jokes around a lot and teases me but in serious times when I need him to be there for me, he always, always is! And that is something that I have come to expect of him but it's also something I appreciate from him, so much that I just cried typing that b/c I love and cherish and need that from him and he provides it. Well I was thinking about how I was expecting God to allow Tommy to do well and that part I don't think was wrong, I know God's character, we too have a relationship where He is there when I need Him (which is always). I was comparing my relationship with Kyle to my relationship with the Lord. But then I thought when it came to God, I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of appreciation once it was over and Tommy was doing well. And that's how I realized I was mad. It's kind of like a situation where if Kyle was the one to make me mad to where I needed comfort, I don't feel so grateful for that comfort, I feel like I deserve it, b/c after all whatever happened was his fault anyway - so now he needs to care for me. Sounds bratty but hopefully you catch my drift. Well apparently that's how I was looking at this situation with the Lord - You should bless my son and allow him to recover after all it is Your fault it happened to begin with. Feel free to judge me at this point. I was being a brat and I was 100% wrong and I confessed that to the Lord before I completely understood it and again after I've come to a better understanding. God is so good and His will is perfect and far better than what I could choose. And obviously He is using these experiences as a mother to grow and change me and make me more aware of my sin.
Overall Tommy's surgery was much easier to handle than we expected, even from the emotional side, and we attribute that to God's grace and to the many sweet family and friends who prayed for us and our sweet boy during that time. Thank you all so much! I have started a very detailed blog about his actual surgery but in all honesty most people probably won't want to read it b/c it's pretty lengthy and I only go to the part when the surgery was completed. But maybe some day I'll finish it and post it up here, it already seems like such a distant memory, and for that I am grateful! Not picking Tommy up under his arms has been easier than expected, not always convenient, but it's becoming a new temporary normal. Hope you all have a very mushy monday!
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