Fearfulness

One of my more apparent big weaknesses and sins is being overly fearful. I have struggled with this all of my life. Growing up I was constantly afraid of being home by myself and someone breaking into the house, or even if my parents were home, someone breaking in and hurting them and me being left alone not knowing what to do with a strange attacker coming after me. It sounds so weird to type that out, but I was seriously afraid. In fact one time, I think I was around 8th or 9th grade, I remember I was home sick during the day by myself (I clearly wasn't that sick or I wouldn't have been home by myself). My dad and mom both worked close to home and my dad would come check on me at lunch. Anyway we lived in what I think people refer to as a quad-level house. Most of the bedrooms were upstairs and the family room was downstairs - well I was in the family room watching TV and I heard a big bump noise upstairs. I knew it was an intruder. B/c logically an intruder would choose to get a ladder, climb on top of our porch roof, then somehow break into the window, and climb through to break into our house. (Before Kyle logic rarely entered my brain). No I knew someone had broken in, I heard it. So I sat completely still for a few minutes (probably really seconds) freaked myself out even more as time went on; grabbed the cordless phone, ran out the front door, called my dad and sat on the neighbor's front porch until my dad got there.

There was no intruder - the globe of my fan (the glass thing that covers the light bulb) and fallen off and rolled across the floor. I really didn't feel that silly either. After all something really did make the noise. There had been so many other times I'd gotten scared and worried but had no real reason other then psyching myself out.

Anyway my fearfulness continued and continues through out my life. It wasn't until a year or so that after Kyle and I were married that I recognized this as a sin. I was not trusting the Lord or His Word as to what or who it says I should fear. God does not say I should fear a crazy, scary, strong, killer man - He says I should fear Him. And He also says that if He is for me, then who is against me? So around that time I started finding verses and writing them down, I didn't really memorize them but memorized the main point of them. Also I remember one night when I was home by myself thinking, Satan doesn't have to even work at getting me to sin - I completely do it on my own. I scare myself, I need no help with that. And I also thought about how the Lord protected Paul while he was in prison, and I was scared being at home, in the free country I live, with the gun we're allowed to keep for protection. So very silly.

Well the Lord has been very kind to me and granted me grace to be able to handle with the fear of intruder breaking into our home. I still struggle with it from time to time but overall Kyle and I can both see the Lord's goodness to me in this.

But I've recently discovered that this fear has moved. Ever since I've had Tommy, I've had an outrageous fear of something happening to him - mainly in his sleep. I realize this sounds crazy - I'm just being honest with you. I have been so scared of SIDS, but really I've been scared of not having control over his safety. And then of course that means I am fearing b/c I'm not trusting the Lord. I fear the Lord will choose to take Tommy away from me. For a while I would go check on him every couple of hours while he slept to make sure he was breathing. But that resulted in waking him up sometimes and I had to learn to stop that. I would have tons of dreams right after he was born that I put him in bed with me and then I couldn't find him. I would wake up and have a wad of blankets cradled in my arms, thinking "this is too light to be Tommy!" And here's the thing I never put him in bed with us but for some reason my subconcious was overtaken by the thought. So recently I've been praying for the Lord to help me to trust Him more, and to change my mind to think of being grateful for the time I have with Tommy - with any of my loved ones for that matter.

This year has brought about a lot of loss, not necessarily for my family, but for many friends we know - there have been children who've passed, grandparents, parents, spouses. And it was actually another mom, who lost her three year old son, who helped me realize how backward my thoughts were. She didn't say anything to me directly, but it was her posts on facebook that spoke of their family's gratefulness of the time they had with him that really touched my heart. Sadly I thought, that wouldn't be my first thought - to thank the Lord for the time He gave me. I thought I would be thinking, "Why? We needed more time. We deserved more time." But that's not reality, God is good and He is sovereign, and it is a gift the time that we get with those we cherish.

I can already see some little ways the Lord has helped to change my way of thinking and to calm my irrational fears. And to think about enjoying and being thankful for each day I have with my family and friends who I love so much. I've wasted so much time fearing such frivilous and silly things; I'd rather rejoice in my time. I hope to rejoice in a great, sovereign God; an amazing growing family; and the many friends we are blessed to know.