Mushy Monday

Well I had the mushiest Monday of my life three weeks ago on May 21, 2012! Our baby boy, Silas Edwin Marlette was welcomed into this world at 6:19 PM, weighing in at 7lbs 13.7 oz, 20" long! We were so surprised when he came out and we found out he was a boy! My feelings kept wavering between boy and girl, and Silas played along perfectly with his heart rate averaging between 145-155. He is beautiful and we are so blessed!

So here's how it all went down - Sunday afternoon I went to a baby shower for my sweet friend Tara where I saw my friend Hannah. Hannah and I met in college but we never really got to know each other that well so this shower was especially fun b/c we got to talk a lot, and we talked a lot about babies! We both have one already and we were both due around the same time. Anyhow she had told me about her water braking with her daughter and I asked what it was like. By the grace of God we had this conversation. She explained it perfectly and the next morning I literally awoke to that feeling! Haha God has a great sense of humor and is so kind to allow me to not only enjoy a good time with a friend but also learn something that was pretty dang important! In all seriousness I never would have even questioned if my water was broken had she not told me what it was like. So around 7:00 AM on the 21st I woke up and told Kyle, "I think my water broke?!" I was really confused and didn't expect this to happen. Needless to say after being up for about 15 minutes I realized my water was in fact leaking. Sorry if that sounds gross, it just wasn't a big event like I had somewhat expected. So Kyle went back to bed, thinking we'd wait until my contractions got close together to go to the hospital, but the doctor said we had to go to the hospital right away. Side note - I would have been 39 weeks the next day, May 22nd, so we were safe to have the baby. So Kyle got up and started getting ready and I did the same. Even though our bags were packed, Tommy's wasn't and there a few last minute things to throw in. I was running around like a mad woman. I wanted to wake Tommy up before we left b/c I wanted to tell him goodbye and hold him before we met his new sibling. We ended up taking him with us to the hospital and my parents met us there to help take care of him and then my sister Jennifer watched him the rest of the day.

We ended up getting to the hospital around 8:45. They confirmed that my water broke, hooked me up to all the machines, and told me they'd give me 6 hours for my contractions to start making a pattern and if they weren't at that point then they'd start pitocin. Well 6 hours went by and I wasn't really progressing. I was completely comfortable, I had some contractions, but they weren't regular or hard contractions. So around 1:00 in the afternoon they started the pitocin. I hate pitocin. My body reacts very strongly to it. But since it took a little bit for my body to show it reacted strongly they kept increasing the amount every 30 minutes to get my contractions going. I think it was around 3 or 4 in the afternoon when I got my epidural, I could be completely wrong on that! Anyway I went in at 3cm and when I got my epidural I was 6cm. And then at 6:00 it was time for baby Silas to come! Delivery was a bajillion times easier this time around, all except for the fact that I forgot the right way to breath when pushing! Haha I felt like an idiot! Silas was out by the third contraction, but if I had been breathing/pushing right I think he would have been out the first contraction! I had absolutely wonderful nurses and a great doctor, even though she wasn't my regular OB. Oh and our mom's (my mom and Kyle's mom) cut the cord! Kyle and I both think it's gross and our mom's thought it was great that they got to cut it!

This time around was a lot different than our experience with Tommy. I got to hold Silas right away and do skin to skin time. It was awesome! He nursed right away and then after a long time of snuggling with his mama, Kyle got to hold him! When Tommy was born, Kyle didn't get to hold him until around 10:00 at night and he was born at 6:06. So this was amazing for both of us! And I feel a little sad for Tommy that he didn't get that same experience but I know he was well taken care of and it was necessary for him not to do that b/c he needed medical attention.

Silas is now 3 weeks old. He is a handsome little guy, with very chubby cheeks! He's very fuzzy and looks a lot like me when I was a baby, but he has some Marlette qualities as well. We are working on a schedule, just when I think we're on a pretty good one he likes to throw me off and get really hungry out of no where! Oh well he's 3 weeks old, we'll get there. Right now I'm just trying to keep him awake for a little while after he eats and we work on the schedule every day. He usually eats every 3 hours, but the past couple of days he's done every 2-3 hours, but I've heard growth spurts come with the 3's and he just turned 3 weeks old and he definitely looks bigger to me! Tommy is doing awesome! I seriously have cried the past couple of nights thanking the Lord for how well Tommy has been behaving for the past several days. He is learning to be more patient and to play more by himself and to be loving to his sweet baby brother. Tommy does get jealous at times, but it is not aimed at Silas, he doesn't act angry towards him or like he doesn't like him. He just wants some attention too. And Kyle and I are both being intentional about trying to spend special time with Tommy and that really helps. Tommy does struggle with being gentle, he has semi-tackled Silas twice in the past week and smacked him in the head with a toy. But in general Tommy doesn't like to pay attention to where he's walking or looking behind him to see what's there, he just goes for it. So that's something new we're working on.

It is definitely a lot, lot, lot, lot harder having two kids than I thought it would be. I'm not a huge lover of the infant stage and I'm trying to savor it b/c I know it's temporary, but that's also what gives me hope. I know now with Silas being our second that it won't always be this hard, or it at least won't be hard in the same way. Tommy is very mobile now so that throws some extra challenges into the mix. He started taking off walking a week or two before Silas was born. And the first few days at home Tommy was super whiney and had some adjusting to do with all the new changes happening. But it is getting better and I am so thankful that Tommy and Silas have each other to grow with!

(Tommy kissing his baby brother Silas)

And by the way I realize it's Tuesday when I'm writing this! haha! Oh well happy whatever day of the week it is, I know I can't keep track of the days any more!

Mushy Monday

There will be two mushy stories in one post today! I have to make up from last week! And they are unrelated so it really is two mushy moments/memories I will always cherish!

First let's start with the fact my baby boy is now a walker! I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he "walks" now. He took his first steps on Valentine's day and has taken many steps since then, but up until this week scooting was still his preferred choice of transportation. Well not any more! I have dreamt about this time in his life since he was an infant. Not so much in a way that I couldn't wait for him to do it, I just imagined what it would be like. What it would be like to walk down the hallway and then turn around to find a little person standing behind me, following me in my tracks. Well this week I experienced that and it melted my heart! It's a little creepy at times but it makes me smile. I will literally see a little shadow quickly walking sometimes and then follows my little man! It is absolutely precious. And I thank the Lord that my son has been able to learn this skill even if at a delayed pace - some mamas never get to see their children walk. It has taken Tommy a longer transition from taking his first steps, back in February, to actually walking. But his physical therapist wasn't too concerned b/c obviously he had heart surgery not even a week after his first steps and that puts a little delay in there. His PT suggested getting him in the habit of walking to do a daily routine, such as walking to his high chair during meal time. Well I tried this and it ended in a screeching baby refusing to stand and kicking his feet. Meal time has not been his favorite lately with his two year old molars coming in and the confinement of a high chair. No worries a booster seat has been ordered and hopefully that will make meal time a little more exciting. (P.S. - it's a super cute booster seat, looks like a turtle!) Anyhow this week I finally found a routine that he LOVES. After we change a wet diaper (which is the majority) he carries it to the trash can and throws it away! He holds onto one of my fingers while we do it and if he drops the diaper (which happens a lot) he bends his knees and picks it up, this is really good practice for him too b/c he's shifting his weight and practicing bending over (something he's not a big fan of, he'd rather sit down, pick it up, and stand back up - but he's doing awesome bending over to pick up his diaper). He loves throwing it in the trash can, then I throw him in the air, tell him good job (really high pitched), and we clap! The boy could not be prouder of himself! I've started asking him when I'm done changing him, "Wanna throw away your diaper?" and he gladly responds with a smile and affirmative noise. That is also something big he's been doing this week - he basically says "yeah" sometimes really clear others a little jumbled but you know when he wants something. He kind of giggles, says a "yeah" and smiles real big. And of course it's followed by a sign for please (mainly at our request) - the boys got to learn manners! So our big boy is now walking around the house, walking more than scooting, following us around! The other night I was on the phone with my mom, clearly not paying the ample amount of attention to my sweet pea, and he stands up out of no where and starts walking towards his daddy's office. Walks right in, goes up to the desk and walks around to Kyle. He knew where he wanted to go and who he wanted to see, and he went! So independent! I am a very proud and joyful mama! He is just getting so big!

Okay Mushy story number two! Completely different. So I'm sure everybody has their routine whenever they take a shower or get ready for bed at night (I realize some people prefer to shower in the morning, but after you shower you usually have a routine - brush your hair, put lotion on your arms or face, etc.) Well part of my after shower or nightly routine is to spray my perfume on. And I know exactly why I do it. My mom did it. I slept with my mom a lot when I was younger b/c I was an extremely fearful kid and she made me feel safe. And she used to take (and still does) baths at night and she would always smell like her perfume at night. It was a comforting thing for me. At one point when I was in elementary school she was in nursing school and had to work nights. So I would take her perfume and spray it on her pillow b/c I missed her. So tonight I was getting ready for bed & I noticed I sprayed a couple of squirts of perfume on - not that Kyle even notices b/c I'm going to sleep - hello sounds like a waste of perfume. But it makes me think of my mom and I liked how it made her pillow smell like her. I don't wear the same perfume as her but I still love the memory and maybe that memory will stick with my kids someday too (even though they aren't allowed to sleep with us, my mom was nicer than me and my dad very sacrificial - when she worked nights he would sleep on the floor next to their bed so I could sleep on my mom's pillow in their bed...spoiled?! NOT ME! ;) But isn't it funny how I'm now 26 years old and I can vividly remember that from when I was only about 7 - it's crazy to think of what our kids will remember about us in the future. I hope there are many good things that I give Tommy and new little baby to remember and love about me!

And I'll end with our little cutie being a ham:

Mushy Monday

I am getting so excited about this little precious baby Marlette that will be here soon! I have been doing lots of laundry, sorting of clothes, reorganizing spaces, and nesting lately! I feel way more prepared, as far as the house goes and clothes go, for this baby than I ever did with Tommy. Obviously I had no idea how/what to prepare for him to come home. We have the pack-n-play all decked out and set up for this little one, it has a bassinet and changing table on top. I washed the swing, bouncy seat, and car seat covers and went through Tommy's old clothes looking for gender neutral options and they are washed and put in the dresser. I have the baby's bag packed, not my own or Kyle's yet but the baby is good to go. We have diapers in the itty bitty precious newborn size. I just bought a couple of new pacifiers for the baby and with some of my birthday money I got a new nursing pillow (just b/c I wanted to have two, one to always keep at home and one to take if we go somewhere, that way if I forget I'll have a back up) and I got a new nursing cover and they are soooo stinking cute! I am thankful that the Lord has given me excitement and joy in preparing for this new one to come b/c up until recently I just felt a little overwhelmed at the prospect of having two little ones but I am sincerely PUMPED and ready to meet little Ella or Silas!

I have started thinking that the baby is a boy/Silas! Kyle and I have joked that the ultrasound pictures, specifically the 4D pictures, make the baby's face look very boyish, but in reality all newborns kind of look boyish so who knows. I have no idea what the heart rate is and in the beginning I thought I was having a girl but about half way through I started having no idea and now I'm thinking boy. The anticipation of not knowing exactly when the baby is coming is exciting and also a little unsettling at times. There's a part of me that would love for everything to happen naturally (meaning no medical reasons to induce, I was induced with Tommy at 38 weeks b/c of high blood pressure, which we really only had about a half of a days notice for that but it was still kind of nice to be able to do some last minute things) and spontaneously but there is a part of me that would like to know when our last little bit as a family of three will be. I have found that I, selfishly, greatly enjoy doing special things to celebrate times/days/events with Tommy and Kyle. Even if it's just planning to get milkshakes and pizza (b/c Tommy loves them, and so do I). I just want to celebrate these two years we've had as a family of three, as Tommy being our first wonderful child, and celebrating the fact that we are growing as a family and welcoming in a new member/child into our home! Oh how fun! We should plan a celebration ahead of time just to make sure we get to do this even if I'm not induced - I'll talk to Kyle about it after I post this :) See I need this blog to type out and plan my thoughts b/c I'm so dang scatter brained!

Selfishly (again) I am also excited to have this baby so I can get my body back to being somewhat normal and hopefully a little more comfortable. I miss comfortable sleep. Trust me I realize I'll be getting less sleep with an infant, but I really look forward to rolling over at night and not feeling like my body is going to split in half down the middle or like I don't need physical assistance to roll over. I have to push off of Kyle's body half the time, so if I roll over 99% of the time I just go ahead and get up to use the restroom b/c it's too much work to waste the momentum I've already used to roll over and not take the opportunity when I know I'm going to have to go later anyway. TMI?! Oh well we all use the bathroom and we all know pregnant women have to go more than others.

I am thrilled at the idea of Tommy being a big brother! I think/know/hope he will be so good at it and love this child so much! I do realize that it might take some time for him to grow attached and protective of his sibling but I think it will be such a sweet experience to watch and to watch over years of life together! Being a parent is so cool, we get to watch these things that they won't even remember, kind of bittersweet, but fun to be the fly on the wall of your childrens' younger years that they won't recall. I am certain that there will be many and I mean MANY discussions of being GENTLE with the baby to Tommy. I have the baby swing and bouncy seat out in the family room with all Tommy's toys. I wanted him to get used to seeing them and kind of play with them so he isn't quite as interested once the baby is here in them. He likes to put his stuffed animals in there but then he likes to swing the swing really hard or shake the bouncy seat violently. Yeah, here's to hoping that gets out of his system before his brother or sister is actually in them. Gentle should be one of the first words out of this boys mouth by the time he starts talking.

I hope and I pray that this new sweet little one will fit into our family well! And having Tommy, who is such a fun and wonderful kid, has really encouraged me in the joy of what it will be like to expand our family - b/c I think of how much he has enriched our lives and if that happens with every kid, what a blessing that will be!

Tommy is Two!!

Can you believe it?! I know I can't! My baby boy who just turned one just turned two! Now I sound like Dr. Seuss.

Our sweet boy is growing leaps and bounds! He is still working on learning to walk better more and more - some days he's really interested and we'll stand up and walk to a toy and then others he wants nothing to do with walking and wants to scoot everywhere. Tommy is just so incredibly smart, strong, handsome, and fun! He is such a joy! He is however still human - let me balance out all my praise with keeping in mind he has become somewhat of a whiner and grunter but that's something that we work on daily. Tommy is becoming more and more social with people and kids and truly brings joy to my heart to watch him grow and do this. He has always been a ton of fun at home with us and people he knows really well, like his Nana and Pappy, but when other people would come around before he'd just go into a "watching" mode and want someone he knew to hold him. Now he is the one who seeks attention at times - especially at the grocery store! Oh my you'd think Tommy knew everyone and all their family at the grocery store and people remember him, they call him their little buddy, and the happy baby! He loves to give knuckles and high fives, but knuckles are his favorite!

He is still our little peanut, he wears some 12 and some 18 months clothes, which I know to a lot of moms must sound crazy considering he's 24 months old. But here's the thing I still have to carry him around so I'm A Okay with him being on the smaller side! Tommy knows probably 50+ signs now, Kyle says he knows more than him. If you ask Tommy where his baby is he will pat my belly. He gives his baby hugs and kisses, but I would say he really doesn't understand there's a baby in there it's just something we taught him through repetition and he's a sucker for any "awwww, how sweet" he can get! He loves to be praised and when people sing and clap - he gets super excited! If we're watching a TV show and at the end there is applause and cheering Tommy likes to join in and it always makes me and Kyle crack up! Tommy is learning to feed himself a lot more. This was more an issue for me than him - I didn't want to have to clean up a big mess all the time but with the new baby coming and with him being 2 years old I knew it was time to buckle down and he's been doing really well with it. I can tell it has helped his fine motor skills a lot. Tommy's favorite show is Signing Times, especially the Silly Pizza song! He also likes Curious George. He is almost done teething, praise the Lord! His 2 year old molars and one final tooth are all coming in at the same time and then I think he should be done until the next molars come which isn't for a few years if I'm not mistaken.

Tommy precious personality comes out more and more each day. It is so neat to find ways to encourage, discipline, and play with him in a fashion that is unique and effective with his own little personality. I laugh about how much Kyle and I thought we knew about disciplining and how we would handle it before we had children. Each baby/kid is a little person and are motivated and deterred by different things, words, or actions and we learn and figure things out day by day. I do love when we find an effective way to discipline or communicate discipline, even with specific words. I am amazed at how much Tommy verbally understands from us, it's mind boggling to me at times. It's so odd b/c he can't say anything to us but he is so good at observing and recognizing words and actions we've repeated over time that it has helped tons in disciplining and teaching him. Every time I say the word discipline please don't get the picture of us spanking him in your mind, most of his discipline is verbal. Sometimes there are actions that go with the discipline if he doesn't listen the first time and it helps get his attention but that comes in various forms too. When he grunts meanly and won't stop when asked I very gently take his little cheeks and squish them where he looks like a fish, he then looks at me and I tell him to stop grunting again. For some reason this works (most times) for him, it calls attention to his mouth, it makes him look at me in the eyes, and he knows what I'm asking him to do. I have told Kyle that I hope our future children are as smart and obedient as Tommy is. The other great thing is when we find something that encourages Tommy to do things - whether it's a game that makes him want to walk more or words that he understands and enjoys us saying to him. He loves for us to call him a funny, silly, or cute baby! He has a very specific "silly/funny face" and any time you ask him - "are you cute? are you funny..." he leans his head back, scrunches up his eyes, and smiles all at the same time! Oh he'll melt your heart! And this kid has an incredible memory! His favorite show Signing Times - he has the order of the sings memorized on the DVD! He'll look at me sign the upcoming sign and then clap his hands to tell himself good job! (This is another thing I love, he has learned to encourage himself which I was actually trying to teach him to do and now he does it all the time!) Over time Tommy has also realized that I keep certain treats in my purse, like fruit snacks, to help distract him at times. So any time he sees me get in my purse he looks at me and signs eat emphatically! He is a riot!

I could seriously sit here and never stop typing talking about this amazing two year old in our life! Tommy has taught me so much about life and love and sacrifice and just pure joy that I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing he is in our lives. How grateful am I to God for choosing us to be Tommy's parents! So happy second birthday sweet boy! We love you more than we could ever say! We are so impressed by you everyday - you make us laugh all the time and you make us so very proud!

Mushy Monday

So Tommy got an Ipad for his birthday/Christmas/surgery recovery from his very gracious Aunt Jennifer and mommy has been having a lot of fun with it! So much fun that I rarely use the laptop any more which has resulted in me neglecting the blog! So sorry! I will try to do better.

I'll start with a quick update on life and then get to the mushy part. Tommy is still recovering beautifully form his heart surgery, you would never even know he had it. My pregnancy is going really well, I'll be 36 weeks Tuesday! Which by the way seems a little insane! I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone by and last week I would have sworn I was having this baby before May even came but I feel like I'm starting to settle down a little bit. The Lord has been extremely kind to me in this pregnancy and even still I am feeling ready to have my body more back to normal, even though with nursing and post baby it doesn't feel really normal. And I did have contractions and just exhaustion many times last week. I don't like having a lot to do and physically feeling like I just simply can't do it. And also thinking ahead to, well if I do all of this today I need to realize I'm going to be feeling it tomorrow. Oh in other news I'm now the mom to a two year old! Hello! Where did that come from?! And I just turned 26. Lots of big things happening in this household. I'll have to do a big Tommy post for his 2nd birthday this week! But I don't want to get too off track here.

During this pregnancy/time in my life I have been feeling even closer to my sweet husband Kyle. The other day I just thought about the first time I saw him, the first time we talked, the first time he remembers us talking, etc. I LOVE to think back to that. I find it so amazing that God is sitting in heaven, knowing, "Oh they're getting married some day!" when I'm thinking, "He's cute! Who is he?" haha! Oh goodness and how shallow but fun interacting with your spouse was before you really knew them! Goodness gracious I would get so gitty at Kyle's arm touching my arm b/c we were sitting close to each other when I first met him! Now I have the privilege and joy of getting to sleep next to him every night and I love it! I say that our interactions were shallow back then not to sound negative but b/c until you're married and even have children together - basically just experiencing things in life together over time - you don't know how much you are going to appreciate and love someone. And obviously you can't know that but it's such a fun journey! I really enjoy watching Kyle with Tommy. It has been such a big and obvious example for me to see him grow, change, and mature as a person. Kyle has always liked kids, but he's more of a three years old and up kind of person, b/c kids are easier to play with and interact and of course pick on at that age. I can see how Kyle's comfort level with infants and toddlers has grown immensely and how intentional he is to play and love on Tommy. Can I just say that is extremely attractive in a spouse too! I am so thankful that Kyle is my husband and the father of my children - he is so good at it. He's very calm, level headed, fun, funny, and he balances me out very well. While I give Kyle a hard time b/c there are a lot of the parenting aspects he does not partake in unless forced to, such as changing diapers or feeding or getting up during the night, there is so much that he does that I am so grateful for! He is by no means perfect and he'll tell you I'm not either but he is in fact a wonderful husband and father! I love to think back to how silly, naive, and gitty we were when we dated in college and I am very excited as I look to our future to see how the Lord uses this coming baby to grow and change Kyle even more.

Mushy Monday

So I'm not sure if my last post made any sense, my mom said she didn't really understand what I meant, and I did have to leave the computer halfway through and Kyle is constantly teasing me about how my thoughts don't always flow in a way that makes sense to others, no matter how much sense it makes to me! :)

This Tuesday I will be 30 weeks pregnant! I can't believe it, it's pretty much insane how fast this pregnancy has gone by and a little scary. I got nervous at the end of my pregnancy with Tommy feeling like I wasn't ready and I'm starting to feel that way with this little one. Oh well I have no control over it so I just have to get over it.

Tommy is still recovering really well. He is doing all things the same, some thing even better, like taking steps! That's my baby! And he is finally starting to want to play a little rougher; before surgery he loved to play rough and obviously we've been avoiding rough housing but one time I tried to gently play rough and he wasn't having it and now he's trying to initiate it.

On a not so fun note he is sleeping horribly at night. Last night I had a mini-break down b/c I was just so exhausted from the past several weeks of inconsistent sleep for him. The Lord has made me, like many moms I know, where I am able to happily function on less sleep when I need to; however, when that is prolonged over several weeks, I don't do well with it.  I also think that Tommy now has some acid reflux stuff going on and that could be related to the sleep issues, but I'm calling his doctor tomorrow to see what I can give him for it. He started having "juicy" (eeeewwww I know that sounds disgusting) burps a few weeks before surgery and they seem to have progressively gotten worse and even lead to spit up, and he only eats solid food and was not a big spitter upper when he was younger. I don't even know if you would still refer to that as spit up or as a mini-throw-up. Either way it's nasty and I'm sure he isn't enjoying it. And this baby mama over here is having some major heart burn but thankfully Zantac helps tremendously. It just came out of no where a couple of weeks ago.

But amidst all of the trying things recently - a fussier boy, a sleepy boy & mama, acid reflux, teething, etc. we have had some very sweet times.  Tommy is just so stinking adorable and he truly does still melt my heart. Not in the exact moments of whining and needing to be disciplined, but through out the day there are always moments that I look at him and I am so thankful God entrusted him to us. I truly love him for who he is. I love his precious personality and sense of humor. This kid is funny, he will make you laugh just by laughing. He is getting so strong and taking steps so well. Most of all I have recently been amazed at just how smart he already is. I knew hardly anything about Down Syndrome before we had Tommy, I had encountered a few people through out my life who had it but didn't know them all that well, so all of this is learn as you go. And I told Kyle the other day that Tommy already knows and understands more than what I thought he would. I bet it's like that with the vast majority of people with DS it's just a matter of the environment you know them in and how well they can communicate what they know. We find ourselved laughing and amazed at his reaction to knowing things when we don't even remotely expect it. This is just a very small one but today we were at a store and I picked up a random thing of bubbles to see if I should get them (Tommy LOVES bubbles) and Tommy just said, "Bub, bub" which is what he says for bubbles at home. I was so proud of him b/c they didn't even look like typical bubbles but he knew exactly what they were. And he was watching his little Signing Time dvd later (he LOVES the first few dvds, not a fan of the newer ones though) and they were teaching the sign for "full" and they had an animation of a table with all the food eaten and Tommy just kept signing "all done" to the TV! Haha! He is too cute!

We took Tommy back to church for the first time today and kept him in the service with us. I was fully anticipating having to leave and go with him to the nursery to play b/c I never thought he would sit quietly through the service. Yeah that's right, my baby sat through a whole church service and was so so so good! It may have just been a one time thing but hey I'll take it! We just have another week or two before he can be picked up under his arms again and then he will return to the nursery to play with his friends.

Oh and in case you didn't realize it my baby, will be two years old in less than a month! Oh my! It blows my mind, I feel like we just had his first birthday party! We love our sweet boy and he brings so much joy and meaning to our life!



Mushy Monday, what up?!

So it's been a while since my last Mushy Monday post but I've been pretty dang busy! Tommy had his heart surgery Feb. 22nd and is doing UH-Mazing! Praise the Lord. So obviously that's what my post is about today. I am so so so so times a bajillion thankful that his surgery is over and behind us and that he is recovering so well! The doctors basically said patients don't do any better than what Tommy has done. Such a blessing. But to be honest I have a confession amongst this. While I am beyond thankful for how well Tommy has done and is doing I have seen the very sinful and prideful side of my heart that I do not like.

I have learned so much about "feelings" this year and I've mentioned it many times in posts. I have sinful and wrong feelings. And post surgery is no different. I have felt confused by the idea of why God chooses to allow some kids to recover and to recover so wonderfully from heart surgery, while other sweet children are taken from their parents, even when it is into His glory. And on the flip side I have felt very entitled that the Lord should have allowed this to go so smoothly, b/c after all He could have fixed it, or made Tommy without that heart problem to begin with. The confusing feeling I know is answered by the fact that God's will is not ours, and His is perfect, and it is beyond gracious that those precious children are in His glory. The big struggle for me has been my feeling of entitlement. While I know God did not have to allow Tommy to do so well, I feel like He should, after all it's the least He can do right?! Wrong. I don't deserve it, Kyle doesn't deserve it, Tommy doesn't deserve it. We're sinful, we're no better than the other families that don't experience such easy recoveries. While that's the truth, that's not the way I have felt. And during church today I realized something, I apparently have been angry with the Lord, even though I didn't "feel" like it. I just felt unhappy with His decision, but my reaction of entitled grace revealed to me that I was mad. I have prayed and repented of this many times b/c I know that it's wrong and I felt like the Lord began to help me understand it better today. I was thinking about my relationship with Kyle. Kyle cares for me so well, especially in times of need or when I'm hurting or scared. He jokes around a lot and teases me but in serious times when I need him to be there for me, he always, always is! And that is something that I have come to expect of him but it's also something I appreciate from him, so much that I just cried typing that b/c I love and cherish and need that from him and he provides it. Well I was thinking about how I was expecting God to allow Tommy to do well and that part I don't think was wrong, I know God's character, we too have a relationship where He is there when I need Him (which is always). I was comparing my relationship with Kyle to my relationship with the Lord. But then I thought when it came to God, I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of appreciation once it was over and Tommy was doing well. And that's how I realized I was mad. It's kind of like a situation where if Kyle was the one to make me mad to where I needed comfort, I don't feel so grateful for that comfort, I feel like I deserve it, b/c after all whatever happened was his fault anyway - so now he needs to care for me. Sounds bratty but hopefully you catch my drift. Well apparently that's how I was looking at this situation with the Lord - You should bless my son and allow him to recover after all it is Your fault it happened to begin with. Feel free to judge me at this point. I was being a brat and I was 100% wrong and I confessed that to the Lord before I completely understood it and again after I've come to a better understanding. God is so good and His will is perfect and far better than what I could choose. And obviously He is using these experiences as a mother to grow and change me and make me more aware of my sin.

Overall Tommy's surgery was much easier to handle than we expected, even from the emotional side, and we attribute that to God's grace and to the many sweet family and friends who prayed for us and our sweet boy during that time. Thank you all so much! I have started a very detailed blog about his actual surgery but in all honesty most people probably won't want to read it b/c it's pretty lengthy and I only go to the part when the surgery was completed. But maybe some day I'll finish it and post it up here, it already seems like such a distant memory, and for that I am grateful! Not picking Tommy up under his arms has been easier than expected, not always convenient, but it's becoming a new temporary normal. Hope you all have a very mushy monday!