Mushy Monday

So I have lots of things I want to use for my Mushy Monday post. I'll tell you all of the things I have been so thankful for lately but there is one that I'll focus on more at the end.

This weekend we celebrated my precious niece's, Eliza Jane's, first birthday! I LOVE getting to be together with all of our family! I dearly love my sisters and my parents, and all the in-laws (brothers, parents, boyfriends (shout out to Dave!). I wish we could all be together more often. We only live about 2 hours away but with conflicting work schedules and new little ones being added it makes the trips a little more difficult. But I'm so glad that our family loves each other. Not everybody has that, and I think we take it for granted how blessed we are! Love you all!

I've also loved my immediate family (Kyle and Tommy) time lately. Today was an all day Pajama day! Mandated by me late last night b/c we've been so busy doing stuff lately we needed a day off. So everyone had to stay in their pj's all day. I was lazy purposefully b/c I know the rest of this week is busy too so I wanted some down time and it was very nice.

The number one thing and my mushy post for this Monday is that the Lord has granted me a new peace that I have been needing for a while.  As Tommy gets older it is getting to be a bigger struggle for me that he is so far behind physically and developmentally. To be honest the physical part is harder for me than the developmental. I know he is extremely bright so the developmental part I am far more comfortable with. But recently I've seen lots of younger babies doing so much more than Tommy and it started to weigh heavy on my heart.

You would think that knowing it is normal and expected of children with Down Syndrome to be behind this way would give me comfort. In some ways it does, b/c I know there isn't something wrong with him, but in other ways it doesn't comfort me at all. We have and continue to work so hard at helping him learn these things but there is only so much you can do. And I know that's with any child but it's different when you are experiencing it and struggling with moving forward.

I am extremely grateful for all that Tommy can do and I know that in time he will learn to do all the things we are working on now and so much more. But I'd like it to be easier for Tommy and honestly for me too. Not completely out of laziness, though I wouldn't argue that has some part of it, but just to be able to enjoy where he is and allow him to be a normal 15 month old baby/toddler, without the looming thoughts of, "Is this activity working his stomach muscles? Or how can we get him on his hands and knees without him throwing a huge fit? Or is that toy teaching him anything?"

Well this week I babysat for a sweet boy from church who is a little younger than Tommy. He is quite a bit bigger than Tommy and is doing a lot more. I whole heartily want Tommy to be around kids of all ages and who are able to do all kinds of things, because it's a great encouragement for him to learn how as well. But at first when the boys were playing together, my heart just ached for Tommy, b/c I wanted him to be able to do all these things that the other little boy could do. He was playing with Tommy's toys the way we try to show Tommy how to play with them - like beating the drum with the drumstick, dancing to music, putting the top to the block bucket on the block bucket with everything inside and he could clap, crawl, walk, and run. And I just was thinking, I want that for Tommy.

Now this struggle of being sad over where Tommy is physically didn't start with this visit, but it definitely surfaced again here. It's hard to explain but there was also a guilt that went along with the sad feeling for Tommy. Because I was jealous of all the things these other kids can do. And that is where the Lord gave me an amazing peace that day. God reminded me that by desiring those things for Tommy, I am not wishing he wasn't my son or saying I'm not satisfied with him, I am simply wanting more for him. Because I can very clearly tell you I don't like/love any other kid or baby in the world more than I do Tommy. And there are always things about Tommy and his personality that I will prefer over someone else's child. (I don't say that to be mean, other people's children are wonderful, but they aren't my baby and I don't know them like I know my Tommy.)


I hope this is making sense, it's one of those things that's hard to express b/c there is so much involved. To sum it up the Lord gave me the peace of understanding that I love Tommy as my son, and that has nothing to do with his physical development. As the Lord reveals more and more of Tommy's personality, we see attributes in him that we love and cherish, that other kids don't have and that our future kids may not have b/c they aren't Tommy. Our love for Tommy grows deeper as we know him more.

Words can't express how much peace this understanding has brought to me. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and that I can rejoice with others in what their children are doing, as opposed to selfishly feeling sad for myself. Now don't get me wrong, I'll still be jealous that Tommy's not doing it but a good kind of jealous - desiring it for him. I pray that the Lord will continue to be glorified in Tommy's life and to continue to use these trials to sharpen me and grow me closer to Him.